The Dusty Bookcase: Craig

13 May 2025

John Craig's Tuesday Night Movie: "When was the last time you saw a good film about a kidnapping?"

An addendum to last week's post on If You want to See Your Wife Again... by John Craig.

"When was the last time you saw a good movie about a kidnapping?"
"A good one?" I asked. "I can't remember any."
– John Craig, If You Want to See Your Wife Again...

Nineteen-seventy-two could not have been a good year for Ted Bessell fans. That Girl, in which he'd played Donald Hollinger, longtime boyfriend of Ann Marie (Marlo Thomas), had been cancelled the previous year. Me and the Chimp, Bessell's one chance at his own sitcom, had been canned after just thirteen episodes. But then came his starring role in Your Money or Your Wife.

Sure, it was a CBS Tuesday Night Movie, not a feature film. Sure this listing from the 19 December 1972 Fredericksburg Freelance-Star failed to recognize Bessell as the lead, but a fan could see it as a step up the ladder, right?

Broadcast that same evening, Your Money or Your Wife was based on the John Craig novel If You Want to See Your Wife Again..., a comic thriller in which a retired soap star is kidnapped by the writer, casting director, and producer of her old show. The screenplay for Your Money or Your Wife was written by J.P. Miller, who is best known for Days of Wine and Roses.

Your Money or Your Wife is a comedown... for Miller, for Bessell, and for Craig.

Miller shifts the setting from Toronto to New York – Canada has nothing to do with it – which most certainly made for savings. From the looks of it, more than half of the scenes were shot at the CBS Broadcast Center on West 57th Street.

Sardi's figures:

Bessell is well-cast as down-on-his-luck writer Dan Cramer. Miller cuts to the chase in ignoring the novel's brief mating dance with lovely casting director Laurel Plunkett (Elizabeth Ashley). They are already a couple in the first scene. Jack Cassidy is so good in portraying sleazy television producer Josh Darwin that one is left wondering who he used as a model.

The one odd casting decision involves department store heir Richard Bannister. Described in the novel as an athletic blonde Adonis, he is portrayed by Torontonian Graham Jarvis wearing a bad rug.

Elizabeth Ashley suffers a similar fate, appearing in a number of awful wigs, this being the first:

Your Money or Your Wife has a run time of one hour and thirteen minutes. Commercial interruptions lengthened the evening's enjoyment to an even two hours.

We people of the future can see it here on YouTube.

I thought the first sixteen minutes were quite good. Miller displays a real talent in making the plot of the first four chapters more believable. The problem is that there twenty-four to go.

The more the minutes tick by the more Your Money or Your Wife distances itself from If You Want to See Your Wife Again... and becomes increasingly silly and slapstick. The climax, which involves a snake, deflection, a storage locker, and one last bad wig is pure 'seventies Disney.

Think Snowball Express or Superdad.

As per usual, the book is better than the film.

05 May 2025

"A good kidnapping story always has wide appeal."

If You Want to See Your Wife Again...
John Craig
London: Cassell, 1973
223 pages

Struggling writer Dan Cramer once had a good gig. He spent two years working on Women's Editor, a daytime soap starring "beautiful blonde Jill Mason." That good gig looked to be steady until department store scion and sponsor Richard Bannister came along, married Jill, and brought the soap to a sudden end.

No star, no show.

After cancellation, Dan devoted twelve months to a script that drew the attention of Hollywood – until it didn't. Casting director Laurel Plunkett went back to working on television commercials – until she assaulted an advertising executive with a box of Crunch 'n Crackle crackers. Women's Editor producer Josh Darwin did much better in landing the interview show Dialogue with Darwin, but he is not happy. A mover and shaker, ever eager for a new project, he shares his latest idea over drinks with Dan and Laurel. Josh wants to produce a movie – a really good movie (or maybe TV special) – about a kidnapping:

"For the sake of argument suppose the three of us kidnap Jill. Start from there and use your imagination. How would we do it? What would we do to throw the police off the track? What complications would arise?"

Josh suggests they meet the next week to hash out ideas over dinner, but Dan does one better in writing a complete screenplay. The producer is so impressed that he suggests the three act out the script for real.

The premise is sound. Dan is desperate for money, Laurel has started down the same path to poverty, and both share resentment toward Jill for up and marrying rich Richard. The scene in which they decide to go along with Josh is impressive in that it is so convincing. Craig has a real talent for dialogue, something recognized in contemporary reviews.

If You Want to See Your Wife Again... is a dark comedy. Being a charitable sort, I blame laughs that fall flat on the passage of time; it has, after all, been more than a half-century since publication. The distance brings new perspective and an appreciation of the novel as one documenting the years of swingers and sexy stewardesses. Its plot is reliant on the post, pay phones, newspapers, radio, and department stores. I was so caught up in the atmosphere that I did not anticipate the twist.

I should have.

I did anticipate the final page, which features a marriage proposal.

The laziest of endings, it is the most common in Canadian literature.

One day I'll make a list.

Trivia (personal) I: If You Want to See Your Wife Again... follows Every Man for Himself (1920) and Die with Me Lady (1953) as the third novel I've read that takes place in part on the Toronto Islands.

Trivia (personal) II: After leaving university, my first writing job was for Time of Your Life, a cheap daytime soap aired on CTV. I was one of five writers. The most unbelievable thing about If You Want to See Your Wife Again... is the idea that Dan alone would write five episodes a week.

Trivia (impersonal) III: Adapted to the small screen in 1972 as Your Money or Your Life. a CBS Tuesday Night Movie starring Ted Bessell, Elizabeth Ashley, and Jack Cassidy. You can watch it here on YouTube. I haven't yet been able to make it past the first four minutes, but will not be defeated!

About the author: John Craig is credited with over a dozen books. The author bio for If You Want to See Your Wife Again... is one of the most unusual I've ever read.

Paul Craig competed in the 1976 Montreal Olympics, but as not awarded a medal. Younger brother John qualified for the 1980 Moscow Olympics, but did not participate due to the boycott.

Object and Access: My first British edition appeared in stores two years after the true first, published in 1971 by Putnam. A Dell mass market paperback (above) followed in 1974, after which the novel fell out of print.

There have been four translations: French (La malle et la belle) German (Geschäft mit der Todesangst), Spanish (Quieres ver a tu mujer otra vez?), and Danish (Men i sm a sedler!), all published between 1972 and 1974. The French appears to have enjoyed at least two editions, one of which features this curious cover:

The only automobiles that figure in the novel are Laurel's beat-up MG (she's a horrible driver) and a VW Beetle. The artist seems to have been unfamiliar with North American pay phones.